Christmas 2007!

Josh holding his webkinz-he's wanted one for so long!


We had a fun Christmas! It's always crazy with four kids. We spent Christmas Eve at my parents. My dad had set up a little shooting range of sorts down in his basement for the kids to shoot bb guns. It was a lot of fun, not what you'd call a normal Christmas activity but it was fun. We had a yummy dinner, my mom is the best cook, then we opened presents. We spent Christmas morning at my house, then the afternoon with Matt's family. My parents got the kids a Wii, so most of the presents were somehow related to the Wii. That is the funnest thing ever. My upper body is killing me from boxing, baseball, tennis, bowling, fishing, it's super fun!


My mom (the Nana), Emma and Faith


God was totally awesome and decided to let it snow during Christmas break. We headed up to my sister and let the kids play. You can tell they haven't grown up in the snow, they last about 10 min and then come in complaining of cold and needed hot chocolate. Those of us that grew up in K. Falls just put on all sorts of layers and go play.





Sam listening very carefully to papa's safety lecture regarding the bb guns and shooting.


I have to admit that I'm glad that they're back to school. Sam, the 4 yr old, was starting to drive me crazy. He's attached to me and is a total momma's boy. He wanted to know where I was every waking moment of the day. I went outside to take out the garbage, he came out after me crying, saying "why you leaving me, mom?"







Shelby and Auntie

I feel blue

I feel blue. This was a hard year. For those of you that don't know, Matt moved out in May 2006. I've been a single mom for a year and a half to 4 amazing kids. They're amazing but they all have their special issues (which is common for adopted kids) and it's exhausting. I'm just going to pour it all out right now, since all that I feel seems to be pouring out of me lately in the form of tears. I'm lonely. Horribly lonely. I live with 4 great kids who I'm so glad I'm their mom, I really am. I know that before the beginning of time that God planned for me to be their mom. But I'm a lonely mom. I know that Matt isn't coming back. He blames me for everything. I wasn't a perfect wife and looking back, there are many things I should've done differently. Things that I did out of spite, but in the end, I want us to be a family. And he doesn't. He says he does but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't choose us, he doesn't choose me. Do you know what it's like to not be chosen, to not be wanted, to not be enough, to not be good enough? It hurts everyday. It permeates all of who I am. It influences my choices, my reactions. It's all inside me and I want it gone. But I can't make it go away. So I feel lonely and unworthy.And I feel sad. I feel sad because if he doesn't want me, who ever would, not to mention the four crazy kids with specials needs. I ache for someone to feel something for me, besides contempt, blame, anger. I want to feel loved and special and pretty and most of all, wanted.And then I feel scared, I know how to live miserably and in fear with someone who's an alcoholic. I know how to tip toe around and survive. I know how to survive as a single, working mom with four crazy kids. But what if I picked another trainwreck. What if I let down my carefully constructed wall and got destroyed again. That's scary.I'm having a hard time looking at the problems/trials/feelings thru the lens of God's truth. I find myself looking at God thru the lens of the problems/trials/feelings. My heart and my head don't match up. My head will confront me with God's truth. Trials refine us. If we are soft, and let God be in charge, trials will grow us, they won't be wasted. But my feelings are drowning the truth, they are too big for me rein in and keep under control. They seem to spilling down my cheeks, one slow, warm tear at a time.
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