I feel blue. This was a hard year. For those of you that don't know, Matt moved out in May 2006. I've been a single mom for a year and a half to 4 amazing kids. They're amazing but they all have their special issues (which is common for adopted kids) and it's exhausting. I'm just going to pour it all out right now, since all that I feel seems to be pouring out of me lately in the form of tears. I'm lonely. Horribly lonely. I live with 4 great kids who I'm so glad I'm their mom, I really am. I know that before the beginning of time that God planned for me to be their mom. But I'm a lonely mom. I know that Matt isn't coming back. He blames me for everything. I wasn't a perfect wife and looking back, there are many things I should've done differently. Things that I did out of spite, but in the end, I want us to be a family. And he doesn't. He says he does but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't choose us, he doesn't choose me. Do you know what it's like to not be chosen, to not be wanted, to not be enough, to not be good enough? It hurts everyday. It permeates all of who I am. It influences my choices, my reactions. It's all inside me and I want it gone. But I can't make it go away. So I feel lonely and unworthy.And I feel sad. I feel sad because if he doesn't want me, who ever would, not to mention the four crazy kids with specials needs. I ache for someone to feel something for me, besides contempt, blame, anger. I want to feel loved and special and pretty and most of all, wanted.And then I feel scared, I know how to live miserably and in fear with someone who's an alcoholic. I know how to tip toe around and survive. I know how to survive as a single, working mom with four crazy kids. But what if I picked another trainwreck. What if I let down my carefully constructed wall and got destroyed again. That's scary.I'm having a hard time looking at the problems/trials/feelings thru the lens of God's truth. I find myself looking at God thru the lens of the problems/trials/feelings. My heart and my head don't match up. My head will confront me with God's truth. Trials refine us. If we are soft, and let God be in charge, trials will grow us, they won't be wasted. But my feelings are drowning the truth, they are too big for me rein in and keep under control. They seem to spilling down my cheeks, one slow, warm tear at a time.
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5 comments:
My dear Melissa, I'm so glad you wrote this. I have prayed for you and for Matt often over the last year. I have wondered how you are doing. I know some days are probably better than others. May you feel the love of our Father today as you pour out love on those precious four children He gave you. How I would love to spend some time with you all.
Melissa, thank you for pouring out your heart here. You have so much inner beauty and strength, you inspire me. I will pray for you and your family and pray that I can be half the mom that you are.
you girls make me cry, thank you, I love you both and I love that we have this to stay connected!
Oh Melissa, I wish I could give you a hug. Hopefully sharing some of these emotions will help lessen their overwhelmingness.
Oh, Melissa, I had no idea. Life is crazy enough with four kids, but to be on your own with all that, phew!!You are an amazing woman! I wish I could come give you a hug. Salem's not that far from Newberg. I know this comment is a few weeks late, but I wil continue to pray for all of you anyway.
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